Gord and the undertaker:
"Gordon dies whilst making love to Sarah. A few days later the
undertaker calls her and says, "Gordon still has a hard-on, what
shall I do with it?" She replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his
arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral
Sarah visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling
down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional,
illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous
mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is
entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end"
"There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair
contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick
a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The
only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the
cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in
bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen
with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he
was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure
enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they
still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to
take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the
pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a
reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer,
"What is the last thing you remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the
farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question
and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked
him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked,
"What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is
the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back
Murphy's Law update:
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% likelihood you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, at
night, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by
those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you put yourself in the hands of 12 people who
weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Cure For Constipation:
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat
the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms
"My financial and personal well being is totally in the hands of
Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, Ed Balls, Harriet Harman, Peter Mandelson,
Alan Johnson, Liam Donaldson, and Jacqui Smith."
If that doesn't scare the absolute shit out of you, then you are
probably destined to be constipated for the rest of your life.
Caution: Potential side effects may include immediate nausea,
gagging and/or vomiting.